If Shaming Yourself Worked, You Would Already Be Where You Think You Should Be

I’ve been thinking about something lately that I want to share with you. Not just as a therapist, but as a woman who’s been in the proverbial trenches of self-doubt and perfectionism. And due to my line of work, I know I’m not alone in these trenches. Because I also know that if self-hatred were an Olympic sport, most of us would be sweeping that podium for gold, silver, and bronze.

So let’s chat.

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The Cruelty We’ve Normalized

Women are taught, explicitly and subtly, to inventory their flaws. We’re expected to constantly be aware of what we’re not: not thin enough, not organized enough, not chill enough, not maternal enough, not ambitious enough, not whatever enough. We are inundated with comparisons and impossibly high standards and are left to feel that we must claw our way over each other in hopes of achieving these ellusive standards.

Oh, and the standards change day to day, trend to trend, influencer to influencer, celebrity to celebrity.

We develop inner voices that are cruel and relentless. We shame ourselves for what we didn’t do, didn’t say, or didn’t achieve. We carry guilt for falling short of a rulebook no one agreed to but everyone seems to be following. And we think if we’re hard enough on ourselves, we’ll eventually whip ourselves into shape. So, we dive head first into shame thinking that if we’re mean enough, we will eventually shape shift into the swan of our dreams.

But here’s what I’ve come to realize:

If shaming yourself worked, you’d already be exactly where you want to be.