Hi! Welcome back to Sam’s Pep Talk here on the Nuance Needed Substack. Today we’re talking about the big one: boundaries. It’s the word that strikes fear into the hearts of every people pleasing, high achiever I know.
And even more specifically, we’re talking about sitting with the anxiety that shows up when you start to actually hold them. That knot in your stomach, sweaty armpit, deer in the headlights feeling that overtakes you when you are standing face to face with a moment that may involve you expressing a *big gulp* need.
Since it never gets easier, we might as well go there right now.
Let’s talk about what boundaries really are, why they make us feel so unsettled, and how to move through that discomfort with self-respect, focus, and some nurturing energy.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Let’s start with the basics.
A boundary is simply what you choose to do based on how someone else behaves.
That’s it.
In my clinical experience, people get tripped up on thinking they have to tell someone else what to do. They think there needs to be a big, intimidating sit down debrief about what they’re going to do or not do and it sets their anxiety on edge trying to predict how this ‘confrontation’ will go.
I remind everyone right off the bat that boundaries are not about controlling anyone else. It’s not about issuing ultimatums. It’s not about telling people what they can or cannot do.
Boundaries are about making decisions for yourself based on what aligns with your values, your needs, and your sense of self.
So let’s say someone asks you to hang out in a space that feels off for you—to get specific, maybe there’s going to be alcohol at an event and you’re sober or sober-curious:
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