Should You Cut Off Your Parents?

The Nuanced Reality of Family Estrangement

The Nuanced Reality of Family Estrangement: Beyond Black and White

Hi friends! This week's episode tackles the complex topic of family estrangement—a subject that's becoming increasingly discussed yet often misunderstood. We explore the layers of family relationships, where estrangement comes from, our professional experiences as therapists, and why it's never as simple as social media makes it seem.

The internet is full of quick fixes and viral mental health trends. But when it comes to family estrangement, most social media posts offer the same simplified narrative: just cut toxic people out of your life. While that can be necessary in some cases, the reality is much more… nuanced.

Below we're diving into the highlights from the episode. For the full experience, including additional insights, questions to help you determine how much contact to have with your family, homework, and even tips for parents, upgrade your subscription.

The Two Sides of Family Estrangement

There are typically two opposing perspectives on family estrangement:

The Traditional View: Family is blood. You're indebted to your parents who raised and cared for you. You have an obligation to maintain relationships with family and care for parents as they age. There's no good reason to cut off contact with family.

The Modern Perspective: Not everyone is a good parent. With the rise of boundary awareness and recognition of parental abuse, many people are realizing their relationships with parents are unhealthy. Some choose to limit or end contact, leading to accusations that "therapists are convincing people to end relationships with their families" or that "estrangement is just a harmful social media trend."

What's Missing From The Conversation

What's often overlooked is that estrangement rarely happens overnight. As Amanda points out:

"I think what people forget so much is that so much happens behind the scenes before someone makes a decision. So even if they did go to a therapist and the therapist was the one that helped them step over that threshold, there were years probably of difficulties, mistreatment, pain, whatever is going on behind the scenes that led someone to take that final step."

Like an "overnight success" that actually took ten years of behind-the-scenes work, estrangement typically follows years—sometimes decades—of unresolved conflict, pain, and attempts to repair the relationship.

The Generational Context

Understanding family dynamics means looking at generational patterns:

• Boomers were raised by the "Silent Generation" who focused primarily on physical needs rather than emotional development

• Many parents raised in emotionally distant homes lacked the tools to provide emotional support to their children

• Parents who avoided physical punishment often believe they were "good parents" simply because they didn't hit their children

• What constitutes acceptable parenting has evolved significantly across generations

From Sam's perspective:

"Baby boomers were told that it's important to hold space for your kid, be present for your kid, build them up, talk to them, let them have feelings, but nobody gave them any tools to actually do that."