Self-Expression vs. Self-Conformity: Finding Your Line
Not losing yourself among beauty, clothing and body trends
Everyone is wearing leggings until suddenly, they are out. (See this article which I was very disappointed to see). The mascara everyone swore by gets replaced by a different one. The skincare routine that was supposed to change your life becomes last season's advice.
But the most insidious trend isn't about what you wear or which products you buy. It's when your body type becomes a trend.
One day we're celebrating curves and telling women to embrace being strong. The next, we're back to the waif-thin ideal and everyone's dissolving their fillers to look more "natural." The Brazilian butt lift was in, now it's out. Thick eyebrows gave way to soap brows which gave way to laminated brows.
We're living through beauty culture whiplash where not only your clothes go out of style, but your actual body shape does too. And unlike switching from skinny jeans to wide leg pants, you can't just change your bone structure when the trends shift.
This creates a particular kind of psychological chaos. You're not trying to keep up with fashion anymore. You're trying to keep up with what human bodies are supposed to look like. And that's a game you can never win because the rules keep changing and the goalposts keep moving.
So how do you find authentic self-expression when the culture around you is constantly telling you that who you are needs to change?
For a deeper dive into our complicated thoughts about all of this check out our recent podcast episode!
Figuring out your personal style can be one way to build your identity. And I don't mean clothes. I mean the whole thing. How you want to show up in the world. What makes you feel confident. What feels authentic to who you are.
Here's where it gets messy…. we're living in a culture where everyone's supposed to look the same while being told to be unique. Where you can't drink coffee or get a tattoo in some communities, but a full face reconstruction is fine. Where we shame people for caring about their appearance and then judge them when they don't.
The line between self-expression and conformity isn't always clear. Social media tells you what's trending. Your brain is wired to want to fit in. And then of course, capitalism is involved.
The Real Question Isn't Whether You Should Care
People love to debate whether caring about appearance is shallow or empowering.
That's not the right question. The better question is: Why are you doing this?
There's a huge difference between putting on makeup because it makes you feel like yourself and putting on makeup because you think you have to. Between getting Botox because you genuinely want to and getting it because everyone else is. Between buying those trendy jeans because you love how they fit and buying them because they're what you're "supposed" to wear.
Your motivation matters.
When I Know It's Self-Expression
Sam has her perfect eyeliner routine down to a science. She's been doing winged liner since 2013. When she tried to go without it during the clean girl aesthetic trend, it didn't feel like her. So she went back to what made her feel confident and authentic.
I learned that I don't like wearing bright colors or patterns, even though my mom always tries to buy me things like that. I used to force myself to wear them because I thought I should want to. Now I accept that neutrals make me feel comfortable and confident. Everything in my closet that goes unworn is usually something I bought because I thought I was supposed to like it.
That's the difference. When you're expressing yourself, you start from what feels right to you and move outward. When you're conforming, you start from external pressure and try to make it fit.
You know it's conformity when you can't stop. When one thing leads to another and another. When you're chasing a moving target that keeps changing. When you feel anxious about not keeping up with trends.
The truth is, if you are constantly adapting to external pressure, you aren’t building a relationship with yourself… you're building a relationship with what you think other people want.
The Questions That Help
Instead of asking whether something is right or wrong, ask yourself:
What am I trying to achieve here? Dig into this one. Is it about feeling more confident? Looking younger? Fitting in? Being accepted? None of these are wrong answers, but knowing which one is driving you matters.
Am I doing this for me or for other people? Be honest. Some element of wanting to look good for others is normal. We don't exist in a vacuum. But if it's only about other people's opinions, that's worth examining.
Can I handle this wearing off or changing? If the thought of not being able to get botox or your trend going out of style sends you into a panic, you might be depending on external things for internal confidence.
What would happen if I didn't do this? Sit with this question. What are you afraid would happen if you didn't get the treatment, buy the product, follow the routine?
Does this feel like me? This might sound vague, but you usually know. When something aligns with who you are, it feels different than when you're trying to force yourself into someone else's idea of attractive.
Am I exploring or conforming? Exploration feels curious and experimental. Conformity feels pressured and urgent.
The Clothes Test
Here's a practical way to think about this. Look at your closet. What do you wear versus what hangs there untouched?
The unworn stuff falls into categories: things that look great on other people but not on you, things you bought during a trend phase, things other people told you that you should wear.
The stuff you reach for over and over? That's usually closer to your real style. That's what feels like you. I particularly love Allison Bornstein and her three word method.
This applies to everything. Makeup routines you follow versus ones you pin on Pinterest. Procedures that make you feel more like yourself versus ones that make you feel like you're chasing something.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
When you're constantly adapting to external pressure, you're not building a relationship with yourself. You're building a relationship with what you think other people want.
That's exhausting. And it never ends, because trends change and other people's opinions are moving targets.
But when you take time to figure out what works for you, you're building something that lasts. What makes you feel confident. What aligns with your values. What feels authentic. You're developing your own internal compass instead of constantly looking around to see what everyone else is doing.
Where to Start
Pick something small. Maybe it's accepting that you don't like the skincare routine everyone's raving about. Maybe it's admitting you feel better with makeup on, even though people say you shouldn't need it. Maybe it's acknowledging that you want to try something new, not because it's trending but because you're curious.
The goal isn't to stop caring about how you look or to never be influenced by what's around you. The goal is to develop enough self-awareness that you can tell the difference between what's coming from you and what's coming from pressure to conform.
Start paying attention to how different choices make you feel. Not how they look, but how they feel. When do you feel most like yourself? When do you feel like you're performing?
There's no right answer about what you should or shouldn't do with your appearance. The right answer is whatever comes from understanding yourself and making intentional choices based on that understanding.
If you want to dig deeper into the insidiousness of beauty culture, check out Jessica DeFino’s work. For more on diet culture and body trends, read Virginia Sole-Smith and Chrissy King perspectives on how these systems operate and impact us, especially how anti-fatness is linked to racism and capitalism.
There is a lot more to say and our podcast and this article barely skims the surface on this. We could do more episodes and would love to chat or collaborate with more experts. Please don’t take this as a deep dive because it is not. These are questions and ideas to get you thinking.
Questions to Sit With This Week
What's one beauty or style habit I have that I've never questioned? Why do I do it?
When do I feel most confident and authentic in how I look? What's different about those times?
What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing a specific beauty routine, procedure, or trend?
Am I trying to look like myself or like someone else?
What would my style choices look like if no one else's opinion mattered?
Remember: You get to change your mind. You get to evolve. You get to try things and decide they're not for you. The only thing you don't get to do is avoid the conversation with yourself about why you're making these choices in the first place.
I would love to hear about your experience in the comments!
Xx,
Amanda