How to ACTUALLY Process Your Emotions

And why what you know about emotions might be wrong

Hi friends!

We talk a lot about "processing emotions" in therapy and wellness spaces, but what does that actually mean? Most of us have been told we need to "sit with our feelings" or "feel our emotions," but no one ever gave us a roadmap for how to do it.

I'm going to change that today. This guide will walk you through exactly what emotions are, why most of us struggle with them, and give you a concrete step-by-step method for working through any emotion that comes up.

The Truth About How Emotions Actually Work

Here's something that might surprise you: emotions aren't just things that happen to you. They're actually co-created in your brain using a combination of body sensations, past experiences, and the emotion words you have available.

I know that sounds abstract, so let me break it down.

One of my favorite books on this topic is How Emotions Are Made by neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett. Her research has completely upended how we understand emotions. Instead of emotions being universal, hardwired responses (like everyone who's happy smiles), she discovered that emotions are actually predictions your brain makes based on what's happening in your body and your environment.

Think about it this way— your brain is constantly trying to figure out what's going on in your body and what to do about it. Is that flutter in your stomach excitement because you're about to see someone you love? Or is it anxiety because you have a big presentation? Your brain uses context, past experience, and the emotion concepts it knows to make its best guess.

Here's a real-world example that illustrates this perfectly.

A friend of mine told me that after her kindergarten-aged kids get vaccines at the doctor, they'll come home and say "I don't feel good." But they can't explain what kind of "not good." It's not like being regularly sick—they can't say they have a sore throat or headache. They don't have the body awareness or vocabulary to distinguish between tired, sore, anxious, or other nuanced feelings. So their brain just lumps it all into "I'm having a bad feeling."

And here's the fascinating part: if you only know a few emotion words, you're going to experience the world through those limited options.

My daughter is two and a half, and if you ask her how she's feeling, she'll say things like happy, sad, mad, or "good" (which isn't really an emotion). We're working on teaching her "frustrated." But a lot of times when she says she's "mad" before a tantrum, she's not actually mad. She's frustrated that she can't do something she wants to do. But because she doesn't have "frustrated" as a concept yet, her brain defaults to "mad."

We can only understand ourselves and our emotions through the words we have available.

This is why building your emotional vocabulary matters so much. We call this emotional granularity—basically, knowing more emotion words. The higher your emotional granularity, the better you'll be at regulating your emotions and understanding what you're actually feeling.

The Missing Piece: Understanding Your Body

All emotions start as physiological body sensations. Before you feel "sad," you might notice your throat tightening, your shoulders dropping, or your eyes starting to well up. Before you feel "angry," you might notice heat rising in your face, your jaw clenching, or your hands forming fists.

This connects to something called interoception—your ability to sense what's happening inside your body. Kids often struggle with this (hence my friend's children just saying they "don't feel good"), but honestly, a lot of adults aren't much better at it.

In our modern world, we spend so much time trying to escape our bodies through scrolling, binge-watching, drinking, or whatever our go-to distraction is. Over time, this causes us to lose touch with our internal signals.

But here's why this matters: your brain is incredible at filtering information. You're not aware of blood flowing to your organs or white blood cells fighting infection because your brain knows that information isn't helpful and would be overwhelming. But any time you can feel a sensation in your body—that tightness in your chest, the heat on your face, the pit in your stomach—it's typically because that sensation is important data.

Your brain uses these body sensations to help create emotions. And the better you get at noticing these sensations, the better you'll be at identifying and managing your emotions.

Copywrite Amanda E. White, LPC

Why Most People Struggle With Emotions

Before we get into the how-to, let's talk about why this is hard. Most of us have been taught to avoid emotions rather than process them. We play emotional hot potato—trying to toss away uncomfortable feelings before we get "burned" by them.

The problem is, when we constantly avoid emotions, they build up. Then when something small happens, it tips us over the edge. It's like if you're already at 90% capacity from shoving down sadness, grief, or frustration—then something as small as 5% will push you into complete overwhelm.

This creates a vicious cycle. We avoid emotions because they feel scary, but avoiding them makes them scarier and more intense when they finally surface. Then we think, "See? I can't handle my emotions. I need to avoid them even more."

The NAILER Method: Your Step-by-Step Guide

I created this acronym to give you a concrete process to follow whenever you're feeling emotional and don't know what to do. NAILER stands for:

• Notice

• Allow

• Investigate

• Label

• Explore

• Release

Let's walk through each step.

Step 1: Notice (N)

When you feel an emotion coming up, the first thing you want to do is notice what's happening in your body. I know this might be the last thing you want to do when you're upset, but remember—emotions literally start as body sensations, so that's where we need to begin.

When you feel like you might be sad, you might notice:

• Your eyes starting to tear up

• Your shoulders getting tight

• Your throat feeling like it's closing up

• Difficulty breathing

• Your heart pounding

• Feeling hot or cold

The goal here is to get really present and start tuning into these physical sensations. Your initial reaction might be to check out or zoom away from these feelings, but the more you practice noticing, the better you'll get at tolerating emotions.

If a full body scan feels overwhelming, pick just one area to focus on. Sometimes noticing your breath is a good place to start—is it ragged and shallow (indicating high energy/arousal) or slow and heavy (indicating low energy)?

Temperature can also be helpful and feels less scary than some other sensations. Feeling hot often means high energy (anger, excitement), while feeling cold often indicates low energy (sadness, depression, or even peacefulness).

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